Let Today Be the Day!

Today is the start of lent and marks the beginning of a 6 week anti-diet plan I’m going to try to kick-start some success. No crisps/chocolate/cakes/ice-cream (all my favorite nemeses!) Just healthy, natural food!

What are you giving up for lent? Fancy joining me?

Let-Today-Be-The-Day-350x282

A Confession

It’s funny because people look at me and assume I have a lot of confidence and it’s weird because in certain situations I do. In an interview for example, I’m probably at my most confident. An opportunity to talk encouragingly about your strengths to someone new who has no reason to judge. What’s not to love? It’s the ideal opportunity to show off the best of you. No one has to know about your insecurities, you can hide them. That doesn’t mean you still don’t experience them but to hell with it, act the role. Play the part. It feels so much better doesn’t it? I went out drinking last night and we got talking about confidence and a new work colleague (I’ve not long started a new job) of mine said to me, “but I can’t imagine you having any insecurities.” How wrong is she? And what a fraud did I feel that she had really bought in to this act I can play. I was out with her again today. Drinking and dancing in the city. I could feel her stare as I stood and danced wildly to the music. Not in a negatively way, she was curious. Almost impressed by my confidence and ability to lose myself. To be fair, I really thought I was rocking it; pouting my overly made up red lips. Swinging my hips. I started talking to 2 or 3 blokes. Look at me! I thought. I’ve got my mojo back. Then a guy I’d spotted when I walked in, approached me. I couldn’t believe my luck! He was just my type. Clean shaven, cute. Well dressed. I was enjoying the chat and couldn’t help but reach out and keep rubbing his lovely toned arms (my favourite part on a man). The only snag was I had had garlic prawns about two hours earlier. I could feel the conversation getting more heated and intimate so to prevent embarrassing myself I leaned over to my friend and breathed heavily over her for reassurance I smelt of spearmint. “Yeah, you do smell a bit garlicy.” Oh right then. Off to the toilet I pop, armed generously with her handbag full of make up, perfume and most important chewing gum. Whilst I studied my reflection in the mirror, my smile turned sour as I said to myself “you look fat, too much make up. Why would men be interested in you?” Suddenly my confidence (real or fake – who knows) disappeared. I felt nervous and inadequate. Luckily one of the girls I was out with came into the toilet too so I waited for her and used her as a security blanket to face the meat market again. I saw my beautiful grey jumper wearing guy taking to another of my colleagues. She’s beautiful but she has a boyfriend so I thought little of it and went back to pout my lips and swing those hips. Even if this time it felt like more of an act. Then she rushed over, but not to me. To my other colleague I had been in the toilet with. Turns out it was her he was interested in. She couldn’t believe her luck. I saw her cheeks blush and the enormous smile that followed and how did I feel? Totally embarrassed. How STUPID of me to read the situation so wrong. He wasn’t interested in me at all. I’m awful at reading these situations, clearly. This is why I have zero confidence and this is what’s going to continue to happen to me. I will feel sad, rejected and inadequate because who will want me? I had to leave. I confided in one of my friends who I had coincidently bumped into that evening and grabbed my stuff. But he saw and he tried to stop me. “You’re not leaving are you?” he said, holding onto my bag. “Yeah I am, I have an event early tomorrow morning” (actually true). He said something else but I wasn’t having any of it and before I knew it I was on my way to the tube station, crying my eyes out. It’s not his fault I thought, it’s his choice who he’s attracted to. It’s not her fault, she’s a lovely funny and attractive girl. She deserves this. But why for me is it just further reassurance that I am unworthy and unattractive? All it makes me think is that life won’t get better for me until I lose this weight. That’s not to say men will find me more attractive if I was three stone lighter (although most probably they will) but it seems only at that weight can I truly love and accept myself and then perhaps if the same situation played out I would have enough self esteem to say, “he wasn’t the one, but who cares, I am having fun, worthy and happy.” But till then, I live in a constant battle with the demons in my own head.