A Confession

I’m struggling.

This isn’t going to be a transformation story like the one’s you see on Instagram of the girls who drop 50 pounds with consistent weight loss results each week. I always knew I wouldn’t have a story like that, if that’s what you were hoping for when you visited this blog, I’m managing your expectations now.

The truth is it feels harder now that it has before. My mind-set’s changed. I’ve lost my confidence that I can do this and my goal feels far away and unachievable.  There are people around me achieving their goals but instead of motivating me it’s making me feel alone, a constant reminder that this struggle is with myself. I’m angry at myself, I feel like crying. I let my mood out on other people who don’t deserve it and worse than that, I beat myself up. At the same time, my running’s hit a wall. My once 6k enjoyable jog has become a sluggish battle to make 3k without giving up.

I’m binge eating, turning to food for comfort but then the negative thoughts start. “You have no willpower”, “you won’t be happy until your slim”, “no-one will love you until you love yourself” (and how can I love myself now if I resent how I currently look?) These thoughts remind me I am not happy with the way I am at the moment. Physically and mentally. That I can’t let this continue. I’ve been happier and I know I can be happier again.

There is a little voice in my head which is saying don’t give up. It’s quiet and I can barely hear it but it is still there, it always has been. It’s the little voice which told me to go and weigh today, to write this post, to take accountability, to get back on track. I haven’t recorded my weight in almost a month and I’ve yoyo’ed in that time. But I weigh less now than I did when I started this and so all is not lost. It’s an opportunity to start again and with a head start (albeit a small one).

So what do I do? I draw a line under it, I admit it’s not a perfect story but I carry on and most importantly I have hope it’ll get better, that I’ll get better and that I’ll get there in the end. Because if you don’t have hope, what else do you have?

Chin Up

Chin Up

When you’re feeling blue,
Take a minute or two,
To thank those who are there,
The one’s who always care.

Dedicated to one of my best friends who sent me this today. Xx

How Clean Eating Made Me Fat

Well not me personally but Mike Samuels, read his controversial article here. (I think he has a point).

http://www.healthylivingheavylifting.com/how-clean-eating-made-me-fat-but-ice-cream-and-subway-got-me-lean/How Clean Eating Made Me Fat

Perception Is A Funny Old Thing

Dedicated to my new followers today! :)Fat